So I’ve spent the night here, and just getting ready for night 2.

Well, my body feels like it’s been ripped apart. My muscles feel like someone literally grabbed them and ripped them apart. Which apparently isn’t too far off the description.. My muscles went into a cramp state, but all over my body, head to toe and for 5 hours. Contracting but not releasing and I’ve never shouted in pain like it. It was my legs, arms, back, stomach, neck and face. Then for another 3 hours after on and off. And then again throughout the night. So effectively my muscles dropped a load of creatine and myoglobin my kidneys can’t deal with. So I’m now having my blood cleaned twice a day and have to stay on a saline drip 24/7.

I actually kinda underestimated the seriousness. I tried to check myself out, and was told in no uncertain terms, looking at my bloods if I leave I will go into renal failure. So I’m stuck here. It’s been the craziest experience. I’m not allowed to walk anywhere, not that my body is actually up to it anyway, because it will just dump more toxins in my blood my body can’t deal with. So I have to dilute it to a point where my kidneys can handle it which is going to take a week.

The other thing is this can become a problem going forward if not addressed properly and I gotta say I don’t wanna deal with this every month!

For anyone who takes the NHS for granted lemme tell you you’re so lucky! Having experienced this, there is no comparison. I’m next to a woman on her death bed bless her. She’s been given 24 hours. There’s no privacy. No showers, no soap for washing hands. No food or water. It’s unreal. Luckily for me I have a devoted partner bringing me everything I need.

The mental side is taking its toll. I’m really sensitive to sounds (I hate chewing and heavy breathing) and being in a bad mental state and having two neighbours, one on a death bed and one snoring 24/7 has really got me in a head spin.

But, it could be worse. Thanks for the few friends who have reached out, it’s really difficult and I appreciate all the kindness.

That’s it for now I’m going to try sleep. I haven’t slept in forever.

I haven’t written in here for a while, but as I am led here on a hospital bed, unable to sleep, I figured now is as good a time as any.

So where to start?

I started the day fine, I did a leg day at the gym and my legs were jelly after! I’ve been doing a new programme, and whilst slowly cutting weight still hitting PBs in the gym. Then I went home and ate and in the evening went to basketball for around 3-3.5 hours. I actually barely left the court as our team kept winning 3v3 and it was winner stays on. As I was going I could feel I was fatigued. I could feel I was tired but I pushed through, not knowing what my body’s as going through. Now comes the interesting part..

I called a taxi to go home, and I got in and I was fine, then as I eventually get home, the taxi pulls over I pay, open the door and my whole body goes into shock. I start getting spasms all over my body, although spasms doesn’t really do it justice. My body felt like I was being ripped apart. My neck, arms, back, stomach, legs. My legs are the worst. Unbelievable pain unable to stand. I crash to the floor unable to speak or do anything or than shout in agony. Eventually I manage to ring my fiancée and tell her to come meet me. But by the time she arrives it has gotten so much worse. Unable to move in the slightest without getting severe pain all over my body, it felt as though the muscles of my body were being torn apart, ripped from my body.. Now I figured I was just dehydrated, low on salts. But I’d done this before. Going to the gym and playing basketball is not new to me. And I had actually kept fairly well hydrated. 3 bottles of water and a powerade at basketball. And turns out I was right. The ambulance eventually came, after a group of Chinese people were kind enough to look after me whilst I was waiting. The doctors ran some tests here, me still unable to move. By this point coming on for 4 hours. Eventually the test came back for a positive on rhabdomyolysis. Never heard of it? Me neither. Turns out it is very rare. Anyway, this is where the muscles of your body are broken or damaged and are producing too much myoglobin for your body, releasing it into your bloodstream, so your kidneys can’t do their job, and begin to fail. And what’s that? You guessed it my kidneys are not doing their job, so I’m not allowed to walk ( even when I can) because using my muscles were poison my body more. So now I currently on constant medication, hemofiltration, waiting on confirmation of a transfusion and dialysis as I speak; which as I say it is crazy thinking my body has got to the point where dyalisis and blood transfusions are even an option. My kidneys can’t do the job they’re supposed to because my blood has too much myoglobin.

Luckily they caught this, even if it is late, but I feel broken. My body is beaten down and all my muscles still feel like they are held together with tape. And this isn’t just DOMS, I mean I literally can’t move them without screaming.

Anyway that is where I’m at, Emily has been great. She’s at home with the dogs. I’ve been readily told off for trying to leave the hospital, and that a minimum of 5 days is required. Which is easier said than done when they charge for everything! And when I say everything, I mean everything. If you change rooms it’s a charge. If you get a bed pan (because I can’t move) it’s a charge. Everything is charged to you. But the worst part? Because I can’t move I obviously need help. You’d think the nurses would do that, right? Wrong. You have to pay them to help you! How fucked up is that? I need help going for a shit, but if I don’t pay them, I gotta shit myself. Fucked up.

Any who, that’s the update, I just needed to get it off my chest because, well, I’m lonely, nervous and a little scared.

So long time no see again..

Things have been pretty good recently. I mean besides my grandad dying, not being able to go home and visit my family, being in isolation for 3 months.. I actually got back on track and worked out for a week solid. Invested in some home workout equipment. I honestly was feeling pretty good. And then my grandads funeral got cancelled. My grandma and mum couldn’t attend. And then today the crematorium said they couldn’t attend the cremation either. So now, my grandma goes into isolation, having lost her husband. Unable to see anyone. I can’t comfort her. I can’t go home. I feel helpless.

I’ve had an idea that I’m going to hold an online memorial for friends and family on Skype or zoom. Tell stories we have. On the plus side, my mum showed my haircut to grandma (a mohawk) and she managed to crack a smile.

It’s killing me that people aren’t taking the virus seriously. If people had. Maybe the my grandma would be able to say goodbye to her husband, my grandad.

For all the faults of how China treated animals and people, the lockdown they implemented worked. People need to realise this isn’t a small thing.

It seems people either think the is the black plague and bulk buy stupid things like toilet paper. Or they completely ignore the governments advice and go to works, take the tube and have parties.

Having been in isolation 3 months I really hope people start paying attention to the advice. Even with the measures in place China are getting new cases. Although a few of these are coming from abroad.

I shouldn’t have to say this, but be kind. People are gunna be struggling. Financially and emotionally. It is an opportunity to show the best of us.

I’m going to try put stuff down on here again daily to get thoughts off my chest. Just for me. Take care

Zac

P.s how cute is my cat

• 

Hey long time no speak. So a lot of you are probably going through similar emotions I went through when we first heard about everything here. Well we are still in isolation, and I’m going mental. So this will be broken into two bits. Firstly

1: World gone crazy.

China got hit the worst with the virus. It originated here so it was always going to be. But even here they weren’t so stupid as to go and bulk buy toilet paper. Some people are morons. The supermarkets have to stay open for supply of things. They weren’t going to run out. At least not until you lot decided to go zombie apocalypse and horde that shit. So just chill out. And when you go out, wash your hands, or wear disposable gloves. And then throw them out. It isn’t hard. People complain about immigrants, but you’re all too quick to throw your own people under the bus. Remember that next time a war torn immigrant wants to leave their country for a better life, you went mental and raided a supermarket. It’s honestly baffling.

The good news is it won’t be as bad as China. China is a communist country so people had no choice. Doors being welded to keep people locked in. Doors locked shut. Animals killed. Tracking your every whereabouts. Death sentences for going out when you’re not allowed or not wearing a mask. (even though the masks don’t do anything). So look on the bright side.

2: I’ve let myself go

It’s been so long in isolation I finally snapped. I kept myself going with workouts, cooking and all of that. I loved it. I was doing so much. But after my grandad died in the UK and I couldn’t go home. I just snapped. I’ve eaten barely anything. Anything I have eaten has been crap. Haven’t looked after myself. No date on returning to work so if I’m honest I’m really struggling. It’s a lot to handle. I’m constantly tired and sleep all the time. Emily is a lot stronger than me. She’s even doing boxing workouts. Which she’s killing.

Anyway it was just a quick one today that’s all.

I miss my family.

Bye for now

Zac

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So originally I was going to come back to the UK for my Grandad’s funeral. See my family etc. However that has now changed. Few reasons really but main points.

It will be unpaid whilst there.

Work has not given a return to work date yet.

A 2 week quarantine would be required upon returning to China and work believe we may be back at work by then but cannot say for sure.

I would be unpaid for 2 weeks and have to pay 1,400 pounds, roughly, to be quarantined in an official facility. It now is not feesable.

It’s really upsetting these circumstances are not allowing me a proper goodbye. I facetimed my mum and dad to tell them I wouldn’t be coming back. Upset, but they understood.

A few of my friends have suggested going in my honour which is a really nice touch.

I’m going to write something for the funeral. Maybe record a message to be played there or get someone to read it out on my behalf, something like that.

In other news, every cloud and all that. This means I will have money to get Zeus the snip. And oh my god does he need it. I found a patch today he has been consistently peeing on. And it stinks to high heaven. So, I am Sorry Zeus, you brought this on yourself.

I’ve had a few days off doing online lessons because my head has been all over. But I’ll be back at it on Tuesday.

As I’m writing this I found out one of our Chinese TA’s quit over the wages being reduced. I don’t know why they’d reduce them as we rely on them so much. Without them this doesn’t work. And it makes the online teaching so much harder. Especially the younger ones as they help translate.

I haven’t been sleeping. Which isn’t surprising given everything. Wake up at about 2 and don’t go back to sleep. Or just can’t sleep at all.

That’s about it really. Not much else going on.

Except the usual.

Here’s the familam though

• 

I lost my Grandad today. There isn’t anything anyone can say or do to change that. And what hurts the most is the situation across China, and now a lot of the world, prevented me from saying goodbye. My family got to go and see him, I got 2 seconds on a screen before starting a lesson. And like that, he’s gone.

My mum rang me whilst taking Zeus to the vets, and I broke down outside for a good 10 minutes. Unable to go into the vets, unable to move. Before collecting myself. It is hard to imagine someone who was fit for so long, gone. Even after he retired he was pretty much a full time gardener. And all of a sudden. He is struggling to walk upstairs.

It would be easier if I wasn’t stuck in this crappy situation. Teaching online. Having temperatures taken every day. Unable to do anything I enjoy. It doesn’t change the fact that he’s dead. But it allows me to be able to do things I enjoy. To take my mind somewhere else. Instead of celebrating his life I’m stuck in a negative mindset I can’t escape.

I’m going to come back to the UK. That’s that. Hopefully in the next week, whether I need to be quarantined or not. I will get back. I’m not letting this thing make me miss his funeral as well as taking away my chance to say goodbye.

The nice thing is that my dogs have not left my side since I got home.

• 

Even after taking Zeus for a very long vet appointment (he’s a very poorly boy) he also came and led next to me on the bed. It’s like they could tell I was hurting. And they just were there.

Emily has also been great. But there just isn’t anything anyone can do. I just don’t have the things I need here. Or can’t do the things I need to make myself better.

I have had a few messages from friends. I really appreciate them. If Caron is reading this thank you, it seems every time I have a crisis you are always there. And I’ve never met someone with as bad luck as you have. But you’re the purest of the pure.

I might be quiet for a bit, a few days, a week, I really don’t know. All I know is that I can’t think straight right now. I’ve told work I can’t work like this. And I just feel numb. All my emotions are at the surface. I know having a poorly cat doesn’t seem like much, but he’s family too. And he’s very very sick and now on about 7 medications and hoping he’s going to be okay to.

Know what I really miss though? Sport. After a bad day. You could go onto the rugby pitch and smash someone. Or in the boxing gym just get in the ring and forget everything. None of that here. All I have is time to think of the pain that I’m feeling. No escape.

Very few photos of me and my grandad but this is my favourite.

Okay so, straight into it, I’m struggling. My Grandad is very ill and he’s not going to make it. He has numerous health problems and has been moved for end of life care. Emily tried to find a way back to the UK for me, and did, but travelling is risky. Also I would have to self-isolate for two weeks and not be able to see my family anyway as they could infect old and vulnerable people there. What it came down to is that it isn’t possible. And it killed me. Yesterday I was told my brother got to say goodbye to our Grandad. After I got off the phone I was silent. Emily knew straight away I was struggling. And tried her hardest to get me back. But with no guarantees I’d see him. No guarantee I wouldn’t catch the virus. Not being able to see family on isolation. This is where I’m at. Today my mum facetimed me before my first online class. And I saw him, barely recognisable, fragile, barely able to talk. And I broke into tears minutes before my online class. Barely holding it together. And I’m sat here thinking I want to be with my family more than anything. We aren’t a big family, and we have always lived a stones throw from each other. I miss them as it is. But seeing my mum in so much pain. My Grandma. It hurts all the more.

All it is doing is adding to the pain of being in isolation. Of having to do online classes where the rubbish internet or bad connection, or people being late or the app not working properly, almost impossible to teach a class. My emotions are bubbling at the surface, then I feel numb. And don’t have any motivation. Any want or desire to do anything. I apologise to Emily for being off or awkward or whatever it is I’m being. And obviously she says don’t worry, she doesn’t want to make things worse. But I’m not sure anyone could make things worse or better right now. All I know is I don’t get to say goodbye to my Grandad.

I’m looking at going back for the funeral when he does pass. But that would mean 2 weeks in isolation still. So I’d need to leave early. Which means no pay from work, and then a 2 week isolation when I get back to China. Another two weeks without pay. A month without. I’ve messaged to see if there is something that can be done but I’m just not feeling positive, about anything.

It’s pissing me off that our neighbours are so inconsiderate, loud, playing piano, shouting at near midnight next door. I hate that every Chinese person is scared our dogs carry a virus they do not have. I hate that this is happening a week away from Emily’s birthday.

I’ve messaged a couple of people saying I feel crap etc but only got a sentence back. Obviously people have their own lives going on, own things to worry about. But I just feel trapped.

There’s more going on and I could tell you about the state of our town or my online classes but I’m not feeling it.

So that’s that. Fuck you coronavirus. Fuck you.

So today was a good day. We went outside on a little trip! I know crazy! It is the first time we have done something that isn’t the same in 36 days! Our Chinese friends took us one a dog walk with our two dogs, to a lake. And it was sunny! I even caught the sun a little. It was a small peace of bliss to blind us from what’s going on around us.

We come back to go to someone’s for dinner where we aren’t allowed back in to their place. And all of a sudden the reality of it hits you again. Not allowed in other people’s apartments. People only allowed out every couple of days. Nobody allowed into your complex. But it was a nice break from the usual drivel.

Lola and Bella absolutely loved the day out. They ran about of their leads. Lola even had her first swim! She panicked haha! But enjoyed it once she had the hang of it. Wasn’t too pleased about being wet after though. As I’m writing this they are both currently fast asleep on the floor!

We got back home and we needed some food because we hadn’t eaten properly all day. Although we did have some chines picnic bits. The first Chinese food we have had in ages. And Emily’s stomach dropped hahaha. Since we actually got home Emily has been farting non-stop! Got our very own storm in our apartment. Bloody windy lady. To make it even worse even the dogs are at it. Like a bloody orchestra.

Tomorrow is the last day of online teaching before a two day break. But to be honest it’s the same day to day stuff anyway.

I’ve got back into the walking dead. I stopped watching it a while ago. But I’ve started and I’ve really got back into it. Apparently the whole the world is ending is a good theme right about now. Anyway that’s about it. It’s been a really good day. And for one day I’ve felt good and forgotten about the shit storm we’re in.

Zac

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So I’ve put off writing a day as there is a lot to cover in this and I had to think about it as I didn’t want it to come off too rant driven. So it will be broken into sections. Section 1

Information on the coronavirus and “fear mongering” :

First things first, I believe everyone knows tabloids have always twisted the truth or played on fears to get numbers up. However I think most of the UK is capable of doing their own research and reaching their own conclusions on the actual risk factors of the virus. The aim of this blog isn’t to put fear into anyone. It’s an outlet and also gives an insight into what life is actually like here. Now I know papers will exaggerate things. But the government hid it here and now they have a pandemic where the whole country has been shut down for over a month. And so many people are dead. Family members and friends. Italy failed to report on the coronavirus outbreak effectively, and failed to quarantine people visiting Asia and now they have close on 1000 cases, hospitals in danger and schools shut down. So maybe it isn’t ideal, but ask yourself would you rather an overreaction and put people in quarantine, to be safe, so that places such as hospitals and old people’s homes are safe; or would you rather nothing be done and then have a worst case scenario on your hands?

Second section

Understanding:

I know a lot of people think this is ridiculous, it’s a flu / SARS type thing. And yes, you probably are at less of a risk than us in China. In fact definitely. But there have been something like 20 cases in the UK. So just to put this in perspective let’s look at it objectively. W.H.O (world health organisation) has gone on record stating that this is one of the most contagious viruses they have ever seen. It’s not as deadly as SARS but the sheer numbers is scary, and it also has a high fatality rate in the elderly and those with respiratory problems such as asthma. With a 14 day incubation period with no symptoms. Imagine one of those people knew someone in hospital, or even knew someone who knew someone in hospital. Saw them who visited someone. That is then spread throughout an entire hospital without knowing what’s going on, patients could be transferred and all of a sudden shit hits the fan. Now I’m not saying this to scare people, just showing what has already happened here with hospitals being shut down.

Section 3

Empathy

I had a, well a kind way of putting it would be, a disagreement, with someone on Facebook. They were laughing at how people were dying in China and said and I quote, “if people are that stupid they should die”. He was obviously blocked. But I didn’t even know him it was a friend of someone I know. People are making jokes on Facebook and Instagram. It’s cool I’ve made light of situations here, sometimes jokes are the only way you can get through things. But seeing people actually go out of their way to say this shit isn’t a threat. It’s rubbish. Laugh about people dying. That isn’t okay. Not when we are here worrying, families are here heartbroken. Having our neighbour taken away. Seeing hospitals shut down. Being trapped inside. And to that point, thank you to everyone who has been in touch with us. You honestly don’t know what it means. Especially when we’re going stir crazy here. It gives you a perspective. I worked for a mental health charity before coming out here, who preached mental health. Looking out for one another. People I considered friends. And after writing about this and seeing those who have read my blog or seen my Facebook or Instagram stories. None of them have reached out to check on me and my mental health. Even when you write about it. That isn’t why you do it, I’m not looking for attention. But when you part with people you considered friends you would think they would practice what they preach. Which brings me onto the next section

Mental health:

I haven’t hidden that this has been super hard on Emily and me. Every situation will be different for different people. Some may be okay with this. But we struggle. Being active people we find this really hard. Putting my thoughts down on here has really helped. And having friends check in. Not even telling me things will be okay but just listening, has really helped. People just being there. China doesn’t really have mental health awareness. There isn’t anything from the company checking how we’re doing and if we need anything. We had a conference call with all the teachers today which is pretty much the first time we’ve been checked up on how we are actually doing. Although nothing about how we are really doing mentally. And honestly it’s a struggle. Getting motivation to even do the online classes is hard. And thank god Emily and I have each other because if I didn’t have her I don’t know what I would do.

Last section

A mixture of everything:

My mindset has been so good recently I haven’t even googled how many are dead here. And I’m not going to. I’m going to keep this going.

So. Today was. L. A. Z. Y. I stayed in bed until 2pm. Yes you read that right. In my defence the night before last I got no sleep because I took pre-workout before bed! So I was lagging in the sleep department. So after this I was already being lazy.

Luckily for me Emily really has picked up the slack, great butler that she is. When I got up she went to the supermarket whilst I showered and then took the dogs for a quick trot. Then I played my PlayStation and reviewed some videos from my classes. Emily has also cooked dinner. Homemade meatballs and Spag bol. Nommy nommy. Not as good as mine, but a very good effort haha.

Lola is feeling much better today (thank god) otherwise I would be grabbing those disinfectant sprays down there own throats.

Zeus is still a dick but hopefully it will subside when he gets the snip haha. Poor guy has no idea what’s coming! He has decided he like slaying on our duvet when it’s drying for some reason..

• 

• 

In the second picture Bella and Zeus look like they are doing a reenactment of the Star wars 3 scene. It’s over Zeus. I have the high ground!

So that’s all not much to report today. Which all in all. Is a good thing

Zac

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