I lost my Grandad today. There isn’t anything anyone can say or do to change that. And what hurts the most is the situation across China, and now a lot of the world, prevented me from saying goodbye. My family got to go and see him, I got 2 seconds on a screen before starting a lesson. And like that, he’s gone.
My mum rang me whilst taking Zeus to the vets, and I broke down outside for a good 10 minutes. Unable to go into the vets, unable to move. Before collecting myself. It is hard to imagine someone who was fit for so long, gone. Even after he retired he was pretty much a full time gardener. And all of a sudden. He is struggling to walk upstairs.
It would be easier if I wasn’t stuck in this crappy situation. Teaching online. Having temperatures taken every day. Unable to do anything I enjoy. It doesn’t change the fact that he’s dead. But it allows me to be able to do things I enjoy. To take my mind somewhere else. Instead of celebrating his life I’m stuck in a negative mindset I can’t escape.
I’m going to come back to the UK. That’s that. Hopefully in the next week, whether I need to be quarantined or not. I will get back. I’m not letting this thing make me miss his funeral as well as taking away my chance to say goodbye.
The nice thing is that my dogs have not left my side since I got home.
Even after taking Zeus for a very long vet appointment (he’s a very poorly boy) he also came and led next to me on the bed. It’s like they could tell I was hurting. And they just were there.
Emily has also been great. But there just isn’t anything anyone can do. I just don’t have the things I need here. Or can’t do the things I need to make myself better.
I have had a few messages from friends. I really appreciate them. If Caron is reading this thank you, it seems every time I have a crisis you are always there. And I’ve never met someone with as bad luck as you have. But you’re the purest of the pure.
I might be quiet for a bit, a few days, a week, I really don’t know. All I know is that I can’t think straight right now. I’ve told work I can’t work like this. And I just feel numb. All my emotions are at the surface. I know having a poorly cat doesn’t seem like much, but he’s family too. And he’s very very sick and now on about 7 medications and hoping he’s going to be okay to.
Know what I really miss though? Sport. After a bad day. You could go onto the rugby pitch and smash someone. Or in the boxing gym just get in the ring and forget everything. None of that here. All I have is time to think of the pain that I’m feeling. No escape.
Very few photos of me and my grandad but this is my favourite.
Life in China 