Day 40 – mental struggle

Okay so, straight into it, I’m struggling. My Grandad is very ill and he’s not going to make it. He has numerous health problems and has been moved for end of life care. Emily tried to find a way back to the UK for me, and did, but travelling is risky. Also I would have to self-isolate for two weeks and not be able to see my family anyway as they could infect old and vulnerable people there. What it came down to is that it isn’t possible. And it killed me. Yesterday I was told my brother got to say goodbye to our Grandad. After I got off the phone I was silent. Emily knew straight away I was struggling. And tried her hardest to get me back. But with no guarantees I’d see him. No guarantee I wouldn’t catch the virus. Not being able to see family on isolation. This is where I’m at. Today my mum facetimed me before my first online class. And I saw him, barely recognisable, fragile, barely able to talk. And I broke into tears minutes before my online class. Barely holding it together. And I’m sat here thinking I want to be with my family more than anything. We aren’t a big family, and we have always lived a stones throw from each other. I miss them as it is. But seeing my mum in so much pain. My Grandma. It hurts all the more.

All it is doing is adding to the pain of being in isolation. Of having to do online classes where the rubbish internet or bad connection, or people being late or the app not working properly, almost impossible to teach a class. My emotions are bubbling at the surface, then I feel numb. And don’t have any motivation. Any want or desire to do anything. I apologise to Emily for being off or awkward or whatever it is I’m being. And obviously she says don’t worry, she doesn’t want to make things worse. But I’m not sure anyone could make things worse or better right now. All I know is I don’t get to say goodbye to my Grandad.

I’m looking at going back for the funeral when he does pass. But that would mean 2 weeks in isolation still. So I’d need to leave early. Which means no pay from work, and then a 2 week isolation when I get back to China. Another two weeks without pay. A month without. I’ve messaged to see if there is something that can be done but I’m just not feeling positive, about anything.

It’s pissing me off that our neighbours are so inconsiderate, loud, playing piano, shouting at near midnight next door. I hate that every Chinese person is scared our dogs carry a virus they do not have. I hate that this is happening a week away from Emily’s birthday.

I’ve messaged a couple of people saying I feel crap etc but only got a sentence back. Obviously people have their own lives going on, own things to worry about. But I just feel trapped.

There’s more going on and I could tell you about the state of our town or my online classes but I’m not feeling it.

So that’s that. Fuck you coronavirus. Fuck you.

Published by Zac France

Rugby player and basketball player. Finding my feet in China.

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